Not so…3

ast year or maybe…”2007″ was the drama year.

Seriously, I see myself as a really whiny person for all the things I ever said,wrote or did back then. You say drama as if it is a bad thing and that indeed has changed me into a cynic, a sacrastic freak if you say.

The we go by the “emo” label. You say emo you say drama-ok not just you me also-as if someone did a bad thing.

Sure thing using this against someone is really convenient. Your ex complains that you are cold and you go “Stop the drama,will you?” OR you have someone telling you that you are rude and you can always go like…”I am sorry did that hurt your feelings?” in the goddamned ironic tone we all know and of course that will make you a dick(in my case that makes me even more rude LoL!) but it also makes the other person a complete pU$$y if its a guy and if its a girl well…I guess that makes her like you even more.

Well, I’ll try not to say the words “Life taught me…” but the people I’ve met and I got valuable lessons from never liked the whole display of feelings. Now I am the one with the problem…I listen to people talking about feelings and I get sick to my stomach. I am affraid to talk about it write about it or display it. Why? Cause what goes around comes around and I have said “You are over-reacting” one too manny times. I question myself every day cause I am affraid I MIGHT be over-reacting to some things.

Is it really like that? I mean do we have to push every bit of emotion under the rag and, I don’t know, forget about it? I guess it makes sence we think emotions as something bad since every time someone says something really deep(like “sea” for example : P Fuck you I had to do it!) we don’t fucking like it.

And yeah It became a fucking problem for me since I can no longer watch a goddamned movie or listen to a freaking song or let go and fall in love like anyone does in this world without thinking to myself “What the hell is he/she talking about?” or “Love…Yeah right!”. I get to listen to some beautiful words and I can’t help myself but think…”How naive!That can’t be true THATS over reacting”.

I can’t say what I feel or how I feel for certain things cause I am affraid people are gonna think I am not for real.

AND EVERYTHING-EVERYTHING-EVERYTHING too touching IS condemned! I am sorry but its time to say that this is wrong. You talk about your husband being an ass, your girlfriend breaking your heart, your boss being  acomplete fuck-That is Ok to talk about,wallow and totaly be depressed about….ITS A FUCKING PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU START TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF WITH THE NECKLESS YOU ARE WEARING

Lets start with the obvious differencies we have the:

“This break up hurts so much I’d rather die” and the “He broke my heart in so manny little pieces I don’t think the wounds will ever mend…I feel like I wanna push the blade to my wrist and end everything”

we have simply negative emotions and over reacting. Its obvious. Know the difference…Give us a break. Give other people a break cause I am struggling to see that  people with FEELINGS yeah FEELINGS I’ll say it again aren’t full of shit or phony. On the one hand we have the fucking drama queens(it was intentional there is no such thing as drama king) and on the other people who imitate the drama queen acting. And yeah, the acting is really obvious. I personaly get offended by hypocrites, I think they underastimate my intelligence.

To sum things up….Its Okie to show you are not a heartless prick once in a while.

Thank you in advance.

Maria~She speaks the truth sometimes

Not so…2

To this point I should state I beliebe in Karma.

Also…I have no idea what exactly you think Karma is. Moslty I think It can be summed up in the sentance of ” What Goes Around Comes Around…” meaning that somehow “magicly” if you cheated/steal/lied to someone is gonna lie/steal/cheat on you. I means Its pretty satisfing if you think about it. Lets say the boyfriend cheated on you, you sit in your room crying your eyes out while eating these 300 calories chocolates a piece AND you think that somehow “Karma” is gonna do all the job for you?

My answer to this… “FUCK NO”

Yeah Its pretty convientinet to think that you are gonna get even with someone by “heavenly justice” or whatever crap you might think.

To be honest if you don’t get your hands dirty you are goign nowhere.

So lets see… I met this somebody who said something that really got me to thinking.(He is a gay male in this early 40rties)

“Weak people file complaints…The ones that are truly powerful avenge”

I was like…”Wow…What happened to the-two wrongs wont make one right-?”

Better I started thinking about it and the fact that I never act when someone actualy pisses me off was really off putting.

I mean I have NEVER on purpose hurt anybody or tried to revenge someone. Which made it kinda tempting to go ahead and try it.

So yesterday I think it was the first time I gave it a try. ^_^

Its no big deal but you know…

So I was out with a friend who constantly calls other people when we are together…Kinda pisses me off, I mean I FUCKING deserve attention-we all do when we are out with somebody. So when he started talking on his phone again I waited till he finished it and I started listening to music from my mp3 player and he goes like….”Its not nice to listen to music when you are out with someone…”

I explained I am listening to music ON PURPOSE cause I am IGNORING him. He was pissed and he started whinning about how I should have said it earlier and not do this blah blah blah…

Unfortunatly… If I’d have let this go I doubt karma would do anything. No I felt pleased cause he was pissed because of something I did.

Then he went like…”I am sorry you are angry…I didn’t mean to….”

*pause*

~sound of tape rewinding~

“No I am not angry I am actualy enjoying this.That should teach you a lesson first that no one ignores me…And two that you should expect payback to whatever you do to me….”

He shuted the fuck up.A tiny win for me.

But yet it felt great. I mean I usualy try to be understanding and paitinet and try to forgive cause I know that two bads wont make a right.

Final Summation:

Sometimes and some people do deserve your revenge and sometimes you deserve to give yourself a break and act the way you want. It just takes a lot of skill to know the difference between the people that go looking for trouble and the ones that really didn’t mean  to wrong you.

Maria~She speaks the truth….Sometimes.

Not so…

I have a friend that says he wants to “fall in love”. He thinks he is romantic….

I think he is insane.

What is love anyway?

Can you really define it? Can we have a checklist with love symptoms?

In my books love is the WORSE thing that can happen to you.

To this guy’s books love is something awsome…”Best feeling in the world” he said.

I am not sure I’ve felt love in my life…

What I used to call love was something like this:

When I wasn’t with the saying person I felt so lost that I couldn’t breath. Thats why I told him “I can’t breath without you”…I guess he’d never know I was serious. I felt “something”…Something that made me envy his white t-shirt cause it’d touch his skin more than I could. I was jealous of everything and everyone near him…When we weren’t together I couldn’t help but think of the time we’d be together again.I’d wake up 3 times every night to check my e-mails just in case…Just in case he had something to say. But the worse part was my endless suffocating…I could not think of a life without him.The air I breathed.

No, I could not take this feeling. I want a life were I won’t feel I’ll stop breathing when I am not with the person I claim to love. I am much too selfish…MAYBE its wrong, maybe its right…Who can judge?

Then again I never stoped feeling this…Just eventualy another guy came, and took my mind off of every problem I ever had. He made me feel I am on top of the world, so confident and so happy. Thats when I said “I love you” for the third time in my life…This feeling though was awsome. Its like I had everything life could offer me. if you’d ask me what was missing out of my life I’d say nothing. But all good things come into an end-I guess-they have to. No worries I don’t feel bad for it…I have only good things to remember and I am greatful I had the chance to be with this guy.

To bring up the whole “I wanna fall in love” thing…

After thinking of what true love might be I get SO scared of it. What if one day I realise that these feelings I had sucsessfully numbed have awakened and the suffocating starts again?

No. It took everything in me just to forget the way his skin felt…His scent.

Sure I’d like to fall in love like men do…Fall in love for a single night then be over it by morning…Maybe I am wrong. But the idea of a having someone that’s gonna make you smile everytime you think of him and you are gonna be happy even when you are not together…Someone to hold my hand,someone I can lie next to and fall asleep knowing he wants me there.

Sure if that’s what falling in love means I really wanna fall in love…Tonight or tomorrow…Or maybe next week…I sure wanna fall in love.

Maria

WhAtEvEr

Ok so yesterday someone(Yes Yes!This someone was a male) asked me for sudjestions for TATTOOS.

My opinion on the matter: I don’t like it.

Not because it hurts but because tattoo is nothing but a color painted wound. Yes, thats what a tattoo is….You pay somebody to WOUND you. Think about it Is stupid. We are not papper. Although I like rock stars with their arms tattooed all the way up and down, they made millions!They are never gonna need to find a DESCENT work. Thats right…DESCENT. If you are not a rock star a tattoo is pretty much out of line.

I don’t care about it though. I have my reasons I am not doing it…

First of all…Its permanent. I don’t like any kind of art after a sort period of time so that means I am gonna hate it afterwards.

Second of all…I wanted to tattoo angel wings on my back although if you really think about it…I wont be able to see it unless I am looking in a mirror…So whats the reason of doing something to yourself if you can’t see the art ON you?

And Last…It costs too much for something THAT cheap*. What I mean by cheap is…I haven’t seen manny tattoos that look well…like ART. You see a fairy in a girl’s waist or lower abdomen and I can’t help but think to myself…THAT could also be tattooed in a prostitute. You see a guy with a skull on his arm and you go like…He is a skunk. And I am not saying this for everyone. There are certain people who’s lifestyle allows tattoos. Like artists. That includes actors,singers and so on and so on…Also football players and athletes and such.

So yeah go ahead and do whatever you want with your skin or body. Open another 5 holes if you wish…You have the right to, I still have the right to think Its stupid.

And through it all…

Wish I could explain. I really can’t. How somebody can make you feel so extremely like you are nothing. Nothing.

Thats why I hate it when I open up to somebody. Cause when you do he doesn’t get it. That he is special for you. That you freaking tell him things you’d never dare to say to anyone else.

And he doesn’t get it.Nor he opens up.

How can I explain this when there is no way to put in words the feelings occurred?

I am so ashamed of myself cause he saw the real me.

The really screwed up side of me and you didn’t believe a thing.Or maybe you did and still I meant nothing.

You mean so much to me only because you seamed to understand me.with you I don’t have to pretend.

I wish I could find someone like you,someone who could understand me and be supportive and talk to me like you do.Someone who’d show he cares. Someone who cares.

You used to call me angel. I am not.

Now I realise that maybe I need you more than you’ll ever need me.

WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY FOR YOU DAMN IT?How did you get so close to me?

I am not crazy…Just a little unwell

WHY,why couldn’t you take all the things that remind me of you when you left?

Why couldn’t you take all the memories with you when you left? I don’t want them… Remembering how I felt when I could hold your hand and now I can’t makes my days misserable. It takes everything in me just to not think of you when I lay down at night. But no matter what I do you somehow you manage to find a way in my dreams… I don’t want these memories…I don’t wanna know where you are and if you think of me if I can’t be with you and you can’t be with me. They torture me everytime I try to think of the future and wonder why the hell aren’t you in my future.Why the fuck did I ever met you if now all that’s left of you are these goddamed pictures reminding me of you? And why the fuck can’t I just erase you from me memory and my life?Why always something HAS to remind me of you…

HOW THE HELL WE WIND UP LIKE THIS?

So here I am thinking again what would’ve been like if we where together…You know…I would have been with him now if he…Wasn’t who he is…

If he wouldn’t end it we would be together now…I would go visit for 4 days,no work, no distance seperating us, but instead I am here,wearing his T-shirt-the one he gave me and smells like him- listening to “Someday” by Nickelback and wishing for the best-worse end there can be…

I wish we could get over ourselfes and make things work…

I am not sure why I wish for that…Even if he wants us back together I am not going back. I can’t…

my pride wont let me…

Its more than a shame we couldn’t make it to a better end.

And this is the part where…Where I have to say I miss him so much and it hurts like hell when I think of the days we’ve spend together.

God,these memories…

…rip my heart off.

I can’t breath

It might sound weird but I mean it when I say “I can’t breath”. I walk around light-headed and dizzy and somehow I can’t breath…

It might have been a panic attack the other day and today it might have been the air or something…But I can’t.

A few months months back I said to a guy “I can’t breath without you”.

I wonder if he still remembers.

I wonder if he ever thinks of me. If he thinks the nights, the times we where together and how much I loved him.

I know that we wouldn’t feel good if we didn’t know how feeling bad,feels like…If that makes sence… So I guess I am supposed to feel bad in order to feel good at some point.

But I am starting to worry, that’ll never will…And I am scared.

I am really scared. And I need from someone to come and tell me that everything is Ok and that this guy I am falling for will be with me and that he loves me…

A better way to live.

Yesterday it was my birthday…

I decided to make a whole new fresh start in my life…Well I decided that since he wont talk to me and he doesn’t want me in his life…Oh well…There is nothing I can do about it. So…It was hard but…. I QUITED!!!

Yes I will not wait for this guy anymore I had enough with all the waitting…I wont wait anymore…I through my life away. To hell everything…I guess.

Out of line

Its weird how much I expose myself to depressing things…For no reason…Just for the sake of feeling something more than mediocrity? I don’t know if we know what really mediocrity really feels like…Its like the tip from a cigarete after smoking it…In the ashes…Half dead…Not able to start a fire with his warmth….Slowly…Torturing itself.

Thats how I feel right now…Like a cigarete in the damn ashtray…With no power to start a fire….Make a last try die properly.I can’t feel happy but I can’t say I am depressed in a point where I wanna kill myself. Witch to me is weird cause I am usualy either at the bottom or….Really Really nice…

I can’t stand being at the middle.