Love can mend your life..But love can break your hearth….

Things are still….Shitty.

What keeps me together is hope…And thats what keeps us all going…Hope…He wont talk to me…I runned away…I couldn’t take it…He was ingoring me….He was distant again…So I runned away…He never tried to stop me.I don’t think I regret it though.It was more than I could take…I told him I’ll love him forever…I meant it.I still do…But he is making it so hard…How can I stay in love with someone that constantly ignores me? It hurts so freaking much…It hurts so freaking much…He crossed the line and I don’t think I can forgive this….But then again I can’t stop thinking of him.

In Dubai…

I was traveling again…

I went to see this guy I like,again…(No it wasn’t fun)

I have the weirdsest thoughts about life right now.

Pretty much now I am not really interested in living…But then again someone said last night that I should try to make the best out of life.How do I do that?

Oh well…Like he knows!!!Ahahah…

My freinds said that they missed me…How come,since,I am never around?I had to go abroad to miss me?And my parents started asking “How was it in Dubai,did you had a good time?” And I really don’t get their questions…What do you m e a n how was it in Dubai?Like you’ll ever know how great or awfull or hot or cold it was….I really have no words.

“How was Dubai?” ….”Well it was pretty much the same as it was the last time I was there…”

What more is it there to say?

And after that people ask…”Did you had a good time there?”

And thats the part where I am left out of words…

“Awww,no I had an awfull time…”

But I can’t really say that cause if I do I’ll have to answer more questions,like:”Why,what happened?”

And guess what?-I DO NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW-.

Lest all stick to “It was nice…”

No further questions-PLEASE!-.

Plus I have most of my female freinds asking me..”Did anything interesting happened?” after winking at me…

What am I supposed to say here?I know what I wanna say….3 words…”FUCK YOU BITCH”.

But just because I tend to pretend I am Ok I just say “No.”

What happened in Dubai stays in Dubai.

Ahahah…Kinda funny.

What really happened was that I screw up. I had people telling me that I should forget the one I claim to love. I really don’t know what to do. I have people telling me that “There is something wrong with me” and that I should “work on it and move on”. Maybe…Maybe not…Then again who are you to judge me?

I really like the guy who said that…But…I don’t know…

Oh forget it!!!

“I quit!”

There he is moving to Dubai….Before I do.I am kinda pissed but then again I don’t think I want it that much.I mean I do but lets face it…I am thinking of U.S.A.I can deffinetly see myself moving there. And after all thats what I wanted…But the fact that I dont even know where to start from is a problem. If I move, I wont know anyone…I will be alone with no freinds and I don’t think I can make it there…ALONE. I thought about it and I understood I need to leave. I have all the reasons I need but unfortunatly I have no active motivation to move me….I thought that I had freinds in Dubai…I was proved wrong once more…I have nothing nothing in Dubai, all I have is people that don’t like me.

I need to…

I was about to apply for a U.S Green Card today…

And something stoped me from doing so….I dont know why I didnt.

The guy I claim to love is in the U.S now…And I am stuck in the middle of nowhere left alone with no one to talk to.Not even him.To be honest I have never talked to him,I mean really talk for what I am thinking of and open my self to him…(except from the time I…Said I like him…)

Damn I need somebody to talk to…I need to say I am lost inside…I need to say that I must find a reason to live quickly cause I am sick of this “half” life I live all these years.I wanna scream to the world that I am not Ok…My life is not “Ok” and….And that I am dieing a little bit inside everyday…Everyday.

I must NOT live for someone else…And I shouldnt “build” my life around someone else…And writting this hurts so much because I wanted someone with me…Someone that I’ll love and we’ll see the world together…I accept the fact that I am defeated…Cause I look at my life and I see that there is nothing to keep me alive anymore…No reason to keep living since what I want is not going to happen…

So em…I guess this is it…

Alone…Where I am not alone.

Hello people…..

I just got back from Dubai and right now I am listening to Green Day….

Of course my life is going to shit right now but I am thankfull I am not totaly depressed like the previous time I came back from this awsome playground I name Dubai. Thanks to lucky quinsedences I didnt do anything stupid….The minute I came back after I’ve seen and talked to some of my freinds living there I was ready to go to my room and totaly cry my eyes out…I have no idea how that didnt happen when in the taxi on my way back….Anyway! When I got in my room I fell on the bed and I took a deep breath….I was in the edge of tears…When I heard the door….It was one of my collegues…(Yeah and it helped a lot that it was the one I liked most…)So he proposed me to go and “Grab a cup of coffee”….”Sure!” I said….I know that when I say “Sure” it sounds sooo ironic….Of course I do it on perpose….So we went downstairs…And he seemed to understand me….I talked to him for everything…And he didnt say all these things people keep saying…He didnt even comment…And later that evening we where in a car.He said…”How did you fell in love?You can’t…..”    *long pause* “Thats how I met my wife….” he said to me…..”She was in London,but when I saw her for the first time I knew I wanted her badly…And now we are married….” he contenued…That was one hell of a moment…I never replied at him, I kept looking outside.

The reason I was/am depressed is that I see my self in a deadend.I dont wanna go back to Dubai….But I do.

*cocks eyebrow*

Makes no sence does it?I dont know what the hell….I am supposed to like the place I am considering of moving there…But I do like it…Its just that I dont wanna move and…DO NOTHING!What the hell am I going to do in a place where I wont be able to go outside bymyself?EXACTLY!

What if I am mad and I wanna go out in one of the malls and get myself broke?I wont have no one to do that with…Its kinda..I dont know…I read blogs of other people that are gonna move to Dubai but “people” are male…And the people I know told me that “Wont be there for me…” They made that clear alright.I dont even wanna talk about it to my best freind….I dont wanna talk about this to anyone.But I am pretty sure someone of all the involved people are gonna talk….I feel perrty bad.About everything…I can’t even discribe the size of my disappointment….I cant discribe how…Sorry I am that I see my dreams “disintergrate”.And what can I do about it?

All in all….That was one hell of a day….Weird but it worths to remember..